On Retreat: Part Two

“…it is difficult to accept there are no answers in
life…there is only, it seems, the returning glimpse of wholeness in
which all is seen and felt…and illuminated.”

style="text-align:right;">~ Mark Nepo/Lorrie
Jones

It is now day three of our retreat. Today
we have been encouraged to walk in nature. I chose a path with no end in
site ~ a well worn walkway leading to dense bushes. I begin my journey.
As I walk through the plowed field, I wonder how many others had been
here before me. And had they discovered where the path ended? As I
walked through the dense bushes, I heard water, the soft sounds of a
brook. I noticed my heart lifting and my entire body feeling lighter. As
I made my way through the last branches of the path and into the
clearing, there it was: the creek. Crystal clear water jumped and danced
over the rocks. The sky was a brilliant blue. I smiled, feeling
childlike delight and discovery.

Walking back to the meditation
hall, my body feels refreshed and rejuvenated. Clothed in amazement, I
take my seat once again. The bells ring softly, inviting us to this
moment. The air in the meditation hall feels warm. I wonder if the
afternoon temperature will allow for a swim in the cool creek water. I
return to “now” and find my breath. As I sit on my cushion, I am
present. Letting go of planning the afternoon in any way, I feel warm
and blessed with the beauty and richness of this moment, just as it
is.

We have been cultivating mindful awareness for almost three
days now. In the silence of sitting, it becomes possible to be present
to one’s own life, to open and be in acceptance. Pausing becomes an
allay once again. In the stillness, we drop below the activity of the
mind and have the opportunity of expansion, opening and being with what
is.

In this moment, we don’t know what will happen next. I find
myself wondering if this place of not knowing is uncomfortable for most
people ~ or if there is an excitement and calm curiosity? I am aware of
how deeply I “do not know”. In a flash, I see a lifetime of planning. I
feel freedom in not knowing, an ease and lightness in my chest and
shoulders. I am in acceptance and trust of the unfolding of things
within and things without. There is no agenda of any sort. We are simply
entering into this moment with full awareness and seeing what happens
next.

In truth, underneath all plans, pressures and expectations,
the next step awaits. It is, truly, an unknown step that hasn’t been
taken by anyone. “Walker, there is no path – you make the path as you
walk,” by Antonio Machado. When I am able to accept what little I know,
I experience wonder at what is possible. From such a perspective, I
learn new ways to live.

Trusting what happens next implies
curiosity and openness. This practice recognizes the exquisiteness of
uncertainty and humbles us into full attentiveness and acceptance. I
notice the fluid and impermanent nature of experience in my own life.
The moment I grasp onto something I wish to keep or control, I feel
anxious. Breathing becomes short and high in the chest. When I remember
to trust the impermanent nature of life, breathing deepens. I am no
longer dominated by the chaos of change. Instead, new possibilities
emerge.

Stopping and sitting in awareness, opening to what is and
being in acceptance of this moment, leads to trusting the next moment as
it emerges. As the mind calms down, a familiarity and comfort with the
rising and falling of experience is possible. Thoughts come and go. Any
plan to reach a destination would affect this simple and refined
awareness practice. I decide to let go of my plan to swim in the
afternoon heat. Instead, I trust the natural emergence of life as it
shows up. I sit still and notice calmness. I sense the quality of
surrender, of resting in the ebb and flow of experience. Both the
delight and insecurity of change and of now knowing is present. And, so,
we attend to the next moment and to what it will bring.

The bells
ring softly announcing the midday meal. For the first time, I have no
idea of what we will eat. I walk on the sunlit pathway to the dining
hall.

We have explored stopping and sitting in silence,
cultivating awareness and acceptance. In part two, we considered
trusting “what is” and opening to life as it emerges, new in each
moment. Part three will illuminate the concept of interactive meditation
~ the experience of mindful dialogue with another person.

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