On Retreat: Part One

“There is love here.
Where there is awareness there is
love.
When there is the habit of attachment and fear, we collapse out
of love.
And when not collapsed out of love, we see others, all
around, hurting, collapsed.
The heart vibrates.”

style="text-align:right;">~Gregory Kramer

The
bells ring softly at dawn, gently awakening slumbering participants,
scattered in various lofts, rooms and campsites. In silence, we walked
down the path leading to the meditation hall. As I looked at the early
morning sky, a red sun was rising behind a mountain top, announcing the
beginning of our first retreat day. When I reached the door leading into
the room full of cushions, mats and chairs, the crimson sun had risen
gloriously in the summer sky, warming the earth and each of us as
well.

As we found our way onto a cushion or an appropriate
version of such, we took our seats – in the midst of our lives. All that
has happened, is happening and could happen is present. A myriad of
opportunities arise: attachment to stories of pain and disappointment or
delight and joy, hope and striving, opinions, judgments, and beliefs of
control or of being controlled. Countless distractions make themselves
available. I notice “wanting” a hot, rich cup of coffee. My face feels
tense and my jaw is tight. It is cold in the meditation room. The bells
ring: early morning sitting, in silence, has begun. I am accompanied by
myself: all I think I am – and am not. I am being invited to step out
away from habitual thinking and feeling and into full presence – into
this moment, just as it is, like it or not.

The words of Goethe
come into my mind: “The present moment is a powerful Goddess”. And so it
is: the beauty and the terror of the present moment. Is it possible to
simply be? To return to here, now? Some people say: “I’m not doing this
right – my mind is racing all over the place!” Sitting in silence is the
most courageous act we can do in our lives. If the mind races, this is
good news! It is good news because observing the mind racing means we
are aware. Each time the mind returns to the past or jumps ahead to the
future – or goes in the direction of: “I could have” or “you should
have” – we are distorting the moment. Yet we have the opportunity to
escort awareness back to “now”, each moment. And we begin again.
Mindfulness Meditation is just this: no where to go, nothing to do and
no one to be.

As I sit, I am aware of my automatic responses to
just about everything. Being a teacher of meditation and mindfulness,
shouldn’t I be, well, better at this?? So I am comparing already -
making something good or bad, better or worse, right or wrong – and we
are four minutes into the morning meditation. “This could be a long
sit”, I warn myself – again, a story I have made up. “Long” as opposed
to what? And where is the endpoint anyway? Does mindfulness cease or
change when the bells ring at the end of our sitting time? Is it
possible to be in continuous mindfulness? And what if there was no
beginning or no end? Simply living mindfully?

Again, my mind is
“thinking” and asking questions. Another quote comes to mind: “Learn to
get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything
has a purpose.”(by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross). What if I stop constructing
my world just for this moment? I pause, allowing my racing thoughts to
slow down. I become aware of my body once again, aware of my feelings.
The experience I am having in this very moment is enough. There is
space, even if just a little, between awareness of body and experience
and the push and pull of conditioned thoughts and feelings. In the words
of our retreat leader, Gregory Kramer, by being present to everything –
all of life – we are able to take in the fullness and the flavor of this
moment.

Time goes by and I have no sense of minutes or linear
measurement. I notice my thought forms and made up scenarios. I am quite
good at creating story lines and believing they are truth! As I step
away from the whirlwind of my mind, I come back into the present moment.
Being still – pausing – becomes an allay, a friend. As practice deepens,
the power and potency of silence grows. As I let go of demanding
activities of work and family, I begin to see the complex web of
interrelated conditioning I have identified with for most of my life. I
do not turn away.

Returning to the present moment again and again
not only allows escalating thoughts and distractions to lessen,
returning illuminates, over time, all that is beneath the activity of
the mind. Choosing expansiveness and acceptance, I begin to see life
with a new perspective – a new frame of reference. When I open to what
is here, now, I am able to observe the tensions of the body and the
turmoil of the mind. Accepting whatever is present, with kindness and
love, I notice my breath deepening and my body beginning to relax. I
feel ease and a sense of inner disarmament.

Information is not
wisdom. To allow for expansiveness and tranquility of the mind, we must
turn away from over thinking and, instead, welcome each thought as a
“visitor”, returning, again and again, to “now”. Each new moment holds
the opportunity to stop and come home to our bodies, accept all that is
and be still; and in this stillness to dwell; and in this dwelling to
find the beauty and flourishing of what is truly
real.

This is Part One in a series of three writings on
mindfulness, set in the deep woods of Skagit County, Washington. It is
my hope that sharing direct experience is helpful in relating to the
concept of being here, now. We are exploring the underlying principles
and the foundation of mindfulness. Part one opens us to stopping – in
this case, sitting on a cushion – and being open and accepting of “what
is”. In Part two, we will explore trusting what is happening, regardless
of whether we like it or not. And in Part Three, we will bring the
silence of meditation to engaging with others. What happens when the
comfort and privacy of being on a “cushion” meets another world – or it
could be said “another person”?

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