Forgiveness: It’s not for Sissies

“If
we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should see sorrow
and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.”

style="text-align:right;">~Henry Wadsworth
Longfellow

Who hasn’t felt it: resentment,
bitterness… deep sorrow or sadness experienced in response to a
situation or person we believe disappointed us or offended us in some
personal way? Indeed, this state seems part of being human. Yet the
price of discontent is becoming higher everyday. Often we find ourselves
in conflicts that unsettle our peace of mind. We face increasingly
difficult situations and at times our problems can seem overwhelming.
Pain, anger and fear may arise in ourselves, in families, in businesses
and communities and between nations of the world. What is the solution
to such complex emotions and situations?

Perhaps the answer lies
in forgiveness. Rather than hold the hot rock of resentment any longer,
I propose we release it, gently massage the burn, learn what forgiveness
is and isn’t, and why it is so important to “let go”.

Research
shows that forgiveness plays a significant role in physical and
emotional health. Most spiritual traditions encourage the practice of
forgiveness. It is becoming evident that emotions such as compassion
nurture a path toward greater well-being and deeper connection, while
other emotions such as resentment block movement along that path.
Desmond Tutu, Nobel Peace Prize winner and author of No Future
Without Forgiveness, states: “Forgiving has been found to be good
for your health!” Yet how is it possible to forgive when we have been
mistreated? Where do we begin? And what is forgiveness, anyway?

I
define forgiveness as the experience of peace and compassion felt in the
present moment. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or denying that
painful events occurred or did not occur. It certainly does not mean
that we are to automatically condone another person’s actions. What it
does mean is we adopt the clearness of heart to stop defining who we are
by those who have hurt us and to take the risk to love ourselves, to
validate our own existence, pain and all, from the inside out.
Forgiveness means giving up being a victim. It invites a more evolved
personal description and a more gracious way of living.

In my
work, I have seen many people who have trouble forgiving. I am one of
them. Most of these individuals tell me that the major problem is no one
showed them how to do it. After working with hundreds of people who have
been hurt and have struggled to forgive, I am convinced that the ability
to get over these wounds is crucial to health – both physically and
emotionally. First, we need a wise understanding of forgiveness. Then we
can learn how it is practiced and how we can forgive both ourselves and
others.

Basically, there are three areas of forgiveness: One:
forgiveness of ourselves; two: forgiveness of others; and three:
forgiveness from others.

In accordance with this understanding,
three simple forgiveness statements may be whispered in a silent room,
in the privacy of your own heart or, if appropriate, shared with an
individual or individuals. As a beginning guide, the following
forgiveness statements may be helpful:

• Forgiveness for self:
For each of the ways I have hurt myself through action or inaction, out
of my fear, pain, and confusion, I now extend a full and heartfelt
forgiveness. I forgive myself.

• Forgiveness from others: There
are many ways that I have hurt and harmed others, betrayed or abandoned
them, caused them suffering, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my pain,
fear, anger, and confusion. I ask for your forgiveness.

•
Forgiveness for those who have hurt or harmed you: There are many ways I
have been wounded and hurt, abused and abandoned, by others, in
thought, word, or deed, knowingly or unknowingly. I forgive
you.

Let yourself gently repeat these three directions for
forgiveness until you can feel a release in your heart. Perhaps for some
great pains you may not feel a release, but only the burden and the
anguish or anger you have held. Touch this softly. Be forgiving of
yourself in this way as well. Forgiveness cannot be forced. It cannot be
artificial. Simply continue the practice, and let the words and images
work gradually in their own way. In time, you can make the forgiveness
meditation a regular part of your practice.

Fred Luskin, director
and co-founder of the Stanford University’s Forgiveness Project and
author of a recent book, Forgive for Good, observes people
going through four stages on the journey to becoming a forgiving person.
In the first stage, you experience a loss in your life, feel angry or
hurt and tend to justify your negative emotions. Blame is common. Often
there is a great deal of pain. The second stage emerges when, after
feeling upset with someone or some situation, you realize your hurt and
anger do not feel good. In this stage, steps are often taken to lessen
the impact of the grievance on your life and your relationships. In the
third stage of becoming a forgiving person, you remember how good it
felt to forgive in past times. In this stage, you become aware of the
length of time you experience a situation as a grievance being primarily
up to you. The fourth stage of becoming a forgiving person is the most
difficult yet the most powerful: you simply become a forgiving person.
At all stages you have the choice to forgive. At all stages you choose
forgiveness in order to experience more peace and healing. And the
deepest healing comes in the exchange of resentment for inner
freedom.

An authentically empowered person is one who forgives.
This demands courage and integrity and it is not for sissies! Yet we can
meet the challenges of a courageous life with what Gandhi called “Soul
Force”. In doing so, it may be helpful to remember these
truths:

• Forgiveness is not weak or naive. It requires
courage and clarity.
• Forgiveness does not happen quickly. It
cannot be hurried.
• Forgiveness does not forget, nor does it condone
the past. It willingly acknowledges what is unjust, harmful and
wrong.
• Forgiveness does not mean that we have to continue to
relate to those who have done us harm. In many cases this is not
appropriate.

Forgiveness honors the heart’s greatest dignity.
There is an exchange of resentment for inner freedom. For me, it has
become my life’s work. We must each start where we are. In large and
small ways, in our own family and community, we will be asked to
patiently forgive… over and over. No matter where we are and what we are
facing, within our heart peace is always possible.

style="color:#7dbe40;">“I think that the practice of compassion is
like a medication that restores serenity…the great tranquilizer is
compassion”

style="color:#7dbe40;">~ Dalai Lama

Research studies
have shown that:

• People who are more forgiving report
fewer health problems.
• Forgiveness leads to less stress.
•
Failure to forgive may be more important than hostility as a risk factor
for heart disease.
• People who blame other people for their troubles
have higher incidence of illnesses such as cardiovascular disease and
cancers.
• People who imagine not forgiving someone show negative
changes in blood pressure, muscle tension, and immune response.
•
People who imagine forgiving their offender note immediate improvement
in their cardiovascular, muscular, and nervous system.
• Even
people with devastating losses can learn to forgive and feel better
psychologically and emotionally.

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